Thursday, December 24, 2009

Back to the drunk awesomeness

So this blog was supposed to be about drinking and politics and a little economics/finance, but its clearly devolved into just politics and finance. Its time to go back to my roots and talk about something awesome I did. And for my first serious drinking story, I'll have to go to a classic from 2006. Let's call it "Me and Poker go all Scientologist".

So first off, Poker is not the game its an idiot drunk I know. Second, Poker is his actual name not some dumb nickname we made up cause he plays poker, although he does and he sucks. If I had to give him a poker nickname, it would be something like "Sucks". Which is funny cause that's actually his nickname but for very different reasons. Anyway, poker wants to go to the restaurant in times sqaure that spins at the top of the hilton or some such hotel. i think its called windows on the world or something lame, and its pretty much a tourist trap as is the rest of times sqaure. But in this particular tourist trap there's a girl he knows who is a waitress. and for some unknown reason likes him enough to hook him up. So we go, eat some food from the buffet, but mostly drink. The drinking, as far as i can remember, was completely free or close enough that it didn't matter. And at the time I was on a 5 year scotch kick, so we drank alot of scotch. I don't remember exactly, but probably nothing real fancy. If i had to guess it would be dewars and/or johnny walker black based. Those are my standbys and since it was a hook up i wouldn't have ordered anything great. Oh, and I think we got there kinda drunk cause we had a pint of dewar on the cab ride over.

Long story short, we proceed to get awesome. Prob have like 8-10 whiskeys each on top of the pint over the course of 2 hours. At this point the somewhat stupid idea of a spinning restaurant has become stupider and nauseating. We decide its time to bring our earlier plan to fruition. That plan was going to the Church of Scientology across the street and meeting Tom Cruise. So we order a couple more shots each and head for glory.

Outside the we buy more dewars at the liquor store (i think. its all hazy at this point so some steps are based partially on memory and partially on knowing us). Then we start walking and meet 2 chicks. They were cute i think, prob about 25 or so. We tell them about our plan and that we'll probably need their help. Not with the plan but with having sex with after the plan. I hope Tom doesn't try to snake 'em away when we meet him, cause he's rich and all and totally free of those evil alien spirits that infect regular folk. Anyway, I figure we can take him if necessary. So the girls join the mission.

By the time we get to the Church its locked. Its probably about 10 or 11pm. We knock. Alot. Eventually someone comes to open the door, but its not Tom Cruise. He tells us to leave. We tell him no, we need to meet tom cruise. This does not impress the guy, so we change tactics (its called acting!) and tell him we want to become Scientologists. Being that he is a Scientologist, and thus stupid and easy to manipulate, this set him at ease and he invites us in. And remember, we are very, very drunk at this point and dragging two random bitches in tow who I believe were openly laughing at this point.

So now that we're in, we get back to the point and demand to see tom. The idiot insists he' not there (probably a lie). So poker goes for the next best thing and demands we see l. Ron Hubbard. Idiot says "he's dead"( definitely a lie). We proceed to yell at him alot and the girls lose interest and leave. Idiots.

Eventually we leave, disappointed. I can't recall thee exact circumstances of our departure or what happens for awhile after this. I think this is probably because we drink the other pint of dewars but I can't be sure. In any case the next think I do remember is waking up on the platform of the PATH train (i can't remember which station). But not of my own volition, more cauyse the cops are kicking me. Not hard, just enough. They kinda carry me out of the station and yell at me. I explain how responsible i was by not driving or vomiting in the station and that they should let me go home. they agree and let me back in the station. they should not have agreed.

I wake again, this time on the train. i am not alone. in fact, there are several you gentlemen surrounding me and 2 with their hands in my pockets. Were there hands cold and they were trying to warm them, you ask? Unfortunately, no. They were robbing me. I approximate there were 5 guys about 19 or 20. We fight. I am a good decision maker.

The fight starts well for me. I push the 2 guys closest backwards. This is the apex of the fight for me. I stand, i am beaten badly. They move to the next car. Other passengers are seated. they watch in silence. I am bloodied. I follow them to the next car. Very Smart. We fight. I am beaten more. I hit on guy pretty good. They move on again to the next car. I look at my shirt (which is white) and its covered in blood (mine of course). And I mean COVERED. I used to have a picture. It was on my girlfriend's camera. she's is long gone and the picture likely lost. I follow. This time they do not engage immediately, I imagine because i am drenched in blood which is still pouring out of my nose and mouth. The train stops. Its the pavonia stop, close to my house. The doors open. I look at them, they look at me. I look at my shirt. I get off the train. I am beaten. Tom Cruise failed me again. Poker is missing. My nose is clearly broken badly.

I check my pockets and still have my cash and phone. Wallet is gone. Assholes. I try to get a cab at the stand near the station. No one will take me. Apparently being covered in blood is a "problem". Idiots. Finally some dude driving by stops and picks me up. Takes me back to my place. Thank you dude. I meant to send you a present or something but I lost your number. I get to my apartment and I don't have keys. My GF is out with some other chick (at this point I think we've started to hate each other a little, but the full on hate that is to come). I call her and yell at her for not being home when i'm all fucked up. She says she's coming home. I hang up. I find my keys in my pocket where they were hidden. I go to sleep. I am legend.

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